my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
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and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
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she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
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