i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
