can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
