literally had 100 drinks last night.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Randomize
