I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
