I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
