But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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