Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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