Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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