i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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