Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
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I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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