paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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