I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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