Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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