My room smells like vodka and shame
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
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I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
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I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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