I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
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