god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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