mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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