So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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