i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
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becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
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She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
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