Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
