I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
