I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
