she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
