I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
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You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
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I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
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