you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The best revenge is premature balding
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
