im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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