where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
