He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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