You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
