dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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