Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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