i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Can you bring me the toilet please
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
