Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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