My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
