At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Damn victory sex feels great
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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