I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
