i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
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