your room smells of hookers.
And success
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
