Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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