I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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