it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
