can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
