Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
