Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
