I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
