you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
