We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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