Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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