Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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