so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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