I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
