I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
it's like iHOP with fire
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
